Twenty-ten.
Two-thousand and ten.
Wow, it's been quite the journey but it's here and as promised, it's reflection time.
The way I see it, there is always 3 states, past, present and future. (shrugging off the sense I'm in English or French class). Here's how it fits in to my little head. The past has brought us to the present where we decide on the present that effects the future. Let's start in the now and work our way back to the beginning of 2009 (though I can't really remember very well that far back).
Right now, I'm sitting in a very warm and cozy apartment (the ground floor of a house) in the west end of Toronto. It feels like home, I've just entertained and played host for some guests. Am I living in the city? I'd love to say yes but the answer truly is "kinda". I'm house sitting for some lovely friends that decided to celebrate their holiday season back home in Amsterdam. I totally win out in this situation. I've been having something of the time of my life. I'm close to friends and use that closeness to actually see them. In fact, they can come visit me! (Allow me to bask in this concept for just a sec. It doesn't happen all to frequently when you're in your twenties and live at home in the suburbs of a city.) I've been cooking also! I had a few things I made for myself (scraps from the fridge) back in the summer but never actually prepared a whole meal from scratch. But this past week I made some awesome soba with some drizzled rice vinegar, soy sauce, ginger, chili stuff on top with some chicken. So good. I also made pasta sauce from scratch, letting it all boil down and tomatoes make lovely fresh sauce that was just a little spicy. Mmmm. Then I made the hottest chili I've ever tasted in my life. It's vegetarian chili at that. I think I've surprised myself in both how I've just rolled with the punches, made substitutions, learned what things could go with what. I also surprised myself in the end product. Things actually taste good! This means there's hope for me for the future. I also had a lot of fun doing it. Perhaps I'll have people over for dinner next week. Might be a late dinner but it'd be fantastic anyhow.
Being in this house is great. It makes me really feel like Toronto is where I should be living for reals. At the very least, at this point in my life. It would be a great step towards my own personal growth in many aspects. I think it would bring me an increasing sense of pride and confidence being able to support myself. It would definitely make other things in my life blossom. For now though, it feels a little like I'm living someone else's life. I live in this wonderful place, I work at a studio nearby. I go to Etobicoke for band practice and have a vibrant social and church life. I'm just about beaming right now. I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life in a bad way though. It's not like I feel weird about it. I feel reassured that things I'm working towards would be good for me. Always a good feeling. I think just being in the city also gives me more of a capacity to do things, do more outreach, get more involved, those kinds of things. I work really hard not to make living in Mississauga a boundary for having life in the city and that's probably why I appreciate this so much.
This really also ties into that feeling I had a little while ago when I was able to move into the studio space. I had been praying to get all this work done and somehow get into the city to live. I had the feeling that God was responding, telling me to be patient. It was almost like a "not yet" response but at the same time a compromise. "I can't do that for you just yet but how about this?" And I think this house sitting is another piece in our conversation. It's also shown me how it is to live on your own. To be honest, I thought I'd dread it but it isn't so bad being by myself. No conflicting schedules and fighting for anything at any time. This being said, over time I might find it lonely. Either way I'm learning. It's also a lot of hard work. Keeping on top of the regular every day things is pretty interesting. Right now I'm trying to find some time to cook with my schedule going crazy. The chili has saved me this week for sure.
I held living room tonight at this wonderful space. Everyone's now gone home and really... it was fantastic. Living room is kind of like a small group or study group you get put into once you decide to become a member at the church I'm part of. It's called freechurch (formerly Freedomize). Anyhow, tonight was the first meeting. I hosted, no cooking but I did serve up some veggies and those kinds of things. It was the first time since our membership classes that we've been all together and it was pretty sweet. I feel closer to everyone already. We have many ideas on how we would love things to work and one huge thing is we have a direction we'd like to go in for our own ministry. It's like something we'd like to do to be Jesus in some way. Something we can do to help the church, help the community, make a difference, anything like that. I think our ideas could be a driving force for our living room in getting closer to one another and in expressing new energy into our church. A lot of people are excited to see what we'll do and so are we. We're young, we're driven, we're creative and together we'll make things happen. I love it. It make so much sense to do something fairly large because of how we all feel. Helping out over advent really filled my heart with a lot of joy and energy. Work and the daily chores will always be there and there will always be a large unending list of things. The things that fill your heart with joy are those you should be doing to keep you going throughout all that time.
Right, that's a lot of type already, wow. Can you tell I'm excited?
Work. um ya... how's that going?
Good. A resounding GREAT in fact! So much opportunity. I was working on a book project forever (over a year) and just finished it up. It's not all printed and delivered as of yet but it's pretty fantastic so far. I saw an unbound copy today. Very excited!
Something amazing happened just as I was closing off this project... I got a call for a brand new piece. A mini-catalogue from a new client referred to me by a place I'd like to work at. Do the skies get much more blue? Here I was heading into a little bit of the unknown and worrying about finances a little and the answer was just right there. I ask frequently if this is what I'm supposed to be doing and someone in the heavens keeps throwing breadcrumbs keeping me on this path. So lovely. It's amazing how things happen like that. The key is to keep working hard. The other thing is I keep getting great opportunities to help my church out with graphics materials. I wonder if they know how much it really means to me that I'm able to do that. It's such an important thing for me if I have things I owe them that I'm working on. On the same level and sometimes above my other clients and jobs (which is pretty understandable I think).
Relationships! Yup still single but really I'm not at all worried. Things happen in time and through the process of searching you can end up meeting great life long friends. I see ways that God is preparing some of my other friends for future relationship and I'm sure the case is very similar in my life. I have faith that when I'm ready, it'll just happen. The waiting is sometimes deadly but that's why I have so much work and music to keep me occupied for the time being. A few of my friends have said a few times that they don't want a relationship right now. I'd be lying if I said that but I really don't want to rush it at the same time.
Well, that's a lot about talking about the present. I'm sure you can tell how excited I am. I'm also at a point in my life where I'm becoming more mindful of God in my everyday life experiences. It's interesting how my thought process goes back and forth on things now. One new thing that just happened yesterday was that I bought a bible. I've had a few sitting around home but none are NIV I don't think and there is something about starting from square one and purchasing something for a purpose, really owning it. I'm excited to stop saying it and get into the bible and doing it regularly. I'm not well studied in the bible and feel weak in that area a little. It's a little daunting and I've actually asked my group to pray for me a little on it. To devote the time and effort. Like many of the things I do, sometimes the hardest part is starting. (just like this blog post and now it seems like I might never end).
Anyway, thinking back I've come a long way in a year.
One year ago I was finishing up a contract position at a small advertising firm. I didn't have aspirations to keep working there, instead I wanted to learn more under someone who'd been there, done that and done great things. I'm still in that journey. But one year ago I was definitely frustrated in where I was. It seemed like such a long process to get into a place where I could grow personally and design wise and also finish this crazy big book project and see it right through to the end. I've grown in expectation, excitement and commitment of my profession in this year. I owe a lot of it to hard work and another thing...
This brings us to the church aspect of my life. God, Jesus, praying, attending church... Where does it all fit in and does it? did it?
One year ago I had been to visit Freedomize 3 times or so. It was in the second week of advent that I returned to church for the first time (not on Christmas or Easter) for about 8 years. I had a lot of questions, I didn't know where my faith laid but I knew the experience of going to church was good for me, the sermons offered good words and thought to me and the community seemed pretty welcoming. The year has seen me take communion honestly not going through the motions. I've prayed, I've made crazy strides not to miss service even. I surprised myself in my dedication to going. Everything was definitely worth it and God has definitely worked on my heart. I feel almost like every day should be a celebration of faith. I'd love that. This amazing new and very strong constant in my life has given me crazy fuel. It's turned Sundays into one of if not my favorite night of the week coming from the day I dreaded. That's quite the leap. That's like going from #987 on the billboard chart and going all the way to #1. It's also not dependent on a person here on earth. In relationships, especially when they are going great, I have tons of energy and I'm on cloud 9. When they aren't going as well, I end up having a huge weight on my chest. So far the relationship with God has been a lot more of that cloud 9 feeling. Perhaps it's his perfection? The fact that I'm learning so much as I go is amazing to me as well. The year has also seen me become part of a church community and really get involved in making a difference and trying to "be the church". The simple idea that I not only enjoy the service but I help make the service what it is, I'm not on a consumption only relationship with it. It's a good plan for me cause most times I feel even better by hanging out and helping out than just standing by and letting it all get done. Plus making the space somewhere sacred, somewhere crafted is something I'm really interested in so I'm learning while I do that too.
I tell you, so many doors have been opened and almost around every corner I've been seeing how the Lord works. It's so cool.
Right now, I feel like I'm at a place where I'm strong in my faith but still such a newb in it all. Not quite like blind faith but perhaps close. I'm putting a lot of trust in God right now and from what I hear, that's a good thing.
K so I think I've successfully painted a blurry picture of a slightly confused but uplifted version of myself one year ago. That blurs into the time that is right now where I see many things but also understand that I have a place and a reason for why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm meeting those that I'm meeting. Certain friendships that I have now are so important on a bidirectional sort of way that I couldn't see my life without them. Truly remarkable.
Now for the future.
The road ahead is less definite. The band that I'm in is up and down and I wonder if and when we'll get a chance to play a show. Regardless they are super important to me living a balanced life. Work is on this teeter totter where I wonder when freelance will end and full time with the possibility of living in the city happens. Church life has so many opportunities for great outreach and success, personal growth and spiritual strength. 2010 will be prosperous if nothing more. I think I can describe the future as having more bright lights than I can properly draw in a picture. I know that my optimistic outlook on life is something I look forward to sharing with more people in this coming year.
Definite things in the near future are getting my full license, getting new glasses (I've had these frames for ever pretty much) and working hard.
I think I've had a big shift from one year ago in what I want in life. One year ago I probably had a major career driven aspirations as the ideal. It involved moving to the city, working really hard, for ridiculous hours and barely scraping by. Living in the city so I could have a party lifestyle, go to the clubs and dance and be in the city to get a little too sloppy a little too often. Now I want to be in the city in a different capacity. I'd like to be here to lead a rich and fulfilling thought provoking, discussion filled life. Not too much party, a lot of God, a lot of outreach, a lot of friends and yes a lot of work. But there's a bigger balance, more of a focus on a simple life. Less physical things but more memories and more things to create and more time spent in places where it matters (like with my nephews or my niece (another new thing from 2009)).
I think I really tried not to get refocussed on God through this blog posting but it kept happening that I was talking more and more about it. I think it's good. I think it's also because of living room tonight. I think it could potentially weird some of my friends out. I don't think that's bad either though.
Anyway, it's definitely bed time. Can't wait for that. This dude's tired. I'm going to sleep for a good 8 hours though. Life continues in the morning after some great rest.
Love to all!
Cheerios,
J
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